On a somewhat cool June night — where the wind barely nudges you — I climbed on top of my roof and listened to the scenery play out like the last act at a club. You’d be surprised what you can hear when it’s quiet and keep an ear out for what’s out there.
Faded dog barks on the other block, homeboys shooting the sh*t over a couple of beers and my neighbor across the street chirping on the phone with his girlfriend while cooking meat on his outdoor grill. I never spoke to him before, but if he ever read this, I want him to know that I’m rooting for his relationship. Legit, I hope everything works out for him in the end.
Why am I up here? Well, it’s the only time where I can escape, breathe and feel like I’m not drowning.
You know what I’m talking about, the times where nothing goes your way. Mistakes and bad news seem to tack onto your back like how Atlas held the world on his shoulders.
Hell, at a time like this, bad days — and months — are the last thing we need on our agendas. There’s never really any easy fix for when one feels like this; not even the strongest of drinks can rid the troubles.
Maybe I’m foolish for being up here, but it’s what I used to do when I was younger, especially when days are mundane and drive you a bit insane. I can’t help but think and dream.
I dream about where I want to be years from now, like with a family who’s got each other’s backs like chiropractors. I never really had a close family growing up, so it would be cool having one where I could call them my own. I thought about where I am in my life and how people look at me.
Although I preach that I don’t care what people think, it’s the closest folk where I value their opinions more than a pawn shop values taken in goods.
There’s this train that always passes through my neighborhood, with pride louder than a prime Muhammad Ali. It blows through the night with ease like the secondhand smoke of a cigarette. But for some reason, on this night, it sounded like music. It was John Coltrane’s saxophone, dialing in and channeling all the blues I’ve been feeling for the past month and years.
To leave, that’s what I wanted to do. I wanted to hop on that train with backpack in hand and take off to wherever the world led me to.
But I didn’t.
I tried to influence myself why; why I didn’t just hop on the train, leave and start a new life. Wouldn’t that be the easy solution? To leave and run? Not exactly, but why?
Ha, it’s simple. It’s the people in my life who stopped me..
There’s so much I built up that I can’t just leave behind. From friends to family, even my co-workers where we stay up at night trying to put a newspaper to bed, the relationships are something I hold dear to me. When I think about it, those in my life aren’t supposed to be there in the first place.
I think about them all the time, more than I do myself. From when I awake until I go to sleep, they’re always on my mind. Even if I don’t want to face myself in the mirror tomorrow, it’s those in my life who I want to see every waking day.
Honestly, between you and me, there’s a certain person who runs laps through my thoughts. Even if you asked me straight up why, I couldn’t explain it. It’s weird. But I guess that’s how life and our minds work.
I tell myself I’m a fool for thinking like this, but I’m sure that we all think about those who’ve made a difference in our lives. There’s individuals who I wouldn’t confess to that I have a soft spot for.
You know, when I was younger, I used to always believe that I didn’t need anyone in my life, that I’d do everything all on my own. But I was wrong.
It’s because they’re the ones who are saving me from myself; they make me feel like I’m not drowning and help me face what the next day brings.
